PostPosted: Sun 31 Dec 2017 - 12:55 Post subject: Some Assembly Required
Hello there lucky winner of the Lute of Ages and Other Thing! This is a tutorial for how to get the most out of our product. You probably won't want to detach and equip the instruments until you have saved this message because it may delete it(?).

Firstly, go to lotro-abc.com and find a song. I'd go with one of the files that end with .zip to begin with. More about that later (in another message).

Once you've downloaded it, unzip the package. It should be a .abc file now, but if it isn't then rename it to "(songname).abc" - it must be an .abc file!

Next, open up your documents and find the LOTRO folder. Inside that should be a folder called "Music" - put your downloaded .abc file into that.

If you have your game started and your instrument equip, just tpye "/music" in the chat - you should be able to play music using 1-9. To play your song, just type "/play (songname)" and you should be playing in no time!

(continued...)


Now, this is slightly more complicated, or at least will sound like it. Pay attention, young grasshopper.

The other links on the site will lead you to a page with the notes for the song. Copy and paste that onto a new textedit/wordpad.

This is the part that tripped me up, but you might not even have to do them Little Miss Windows User. Textedit (not sure about whatever program Windows uses nowdays) automatically has itself set on "rich text mode" - you need to turn that off. Under Format, selcect "make plain text" - but that's not the final step here.

Textedit also automattically makes things into .rtf files by default. Go into Textedit: Preferences and make sure "Add .txt extensions to plain text files" is NOT ticked.

Once that's done you should be able to save your file as "(songname).abc" and put it in Documents > The Lord of The Rings Online > Music and play it ingame as described in the last message.

If there isn't a folder called Music then make one.



I HOPE THIS WAS EASY.
CUZ IT WASN'T FOR ME.

Dear Friend,

Please forgive me for my sudden departure (is that how you spell that?)! It t'was upon this night of Sunday that my internet exploded into flames like in the days of yorn (is that a word?) with a mighty crack of lightning that you claim never to have seen but once (what a poor and innocent soul)!

There is something of ... coincidence to this story however. I pray that you /will not/ accept that foul fowl's promise of courtesy and take a seat at it's table in Combe's tavern - for both times have I sat in that chair and have exploded! Is it revenge for crimes that I did not commit?! Namely /your/ crimes - murdering Mister Cluckle's niece! He has sent his grandson after us, and now we shall all pay dearly for your actions.

I only hope that it will not be too late to ask for mercy.


- Your honourable(ish)
and (mostly) loyal companion

(Mother is watching Pride & Predjudice again. Send help.)

Hugged a villain.
Been hunted and executed for the involvement of the murder of Mr Cluckles's niece.
Gave a mailbox a second chance.
Helped burn down The Mad Bager Inn. Multiple times.
Slaughtered thousands of innocent woodland creatures, armed only with a single cowbell, my glowing fists of fury, and an obnoxiously loud voice.
Delivered a pie.
Stealthily executed many corrupt dwarves on a dangerous mission by yelling at them and playing a fanfare.
Became a hero.
Buried a few bodies.
Taught a wizard about lightning.
Got ambushed on a Sunday stroll while discussing war tactics and my own allegiance.
Earned my pants.
Witnessed a friend get mugged by a barley-thieving dwarf.
Entered the chicken chasing contest.
Got lit on fire by dwarves. Again.
Stumbled upon a battle of bands of bards.
Congratulated a dead guy on a job well done.
Failed a dance-battle against my own kind.
Bid farewell to our good friend, the cocoon.
Joined a travelling circus.
Prepared for Second Breakfast.
Picked flowers of ancient evil.
Started a solo music career.
Went ghost hunting, ignoring the wisdom of a friend.
Got lost in the wilderness.
Became stranded for a week in Hillbilly Hell.
Ate a biscuit. Just one.
Reunited a family.
And after 700 years, finally learnt how to read signs.

Expeditions, bar fights, biker gangs, late nights
Space cowboys, saving spices, rock related humour
Roberts' diary, oh dan, Fighter Town, Freds Clan
Tinfoil hats, old pots, playing public pianos

Kidnappin' Terry, Tim and Perry, eatin' fairies
Memoirs, mermaids and mutinous sons of milk maids
Baked a cake, prison break, Candy Cane Syndicate
Milkshakes, friendly footprints, attics full of fishtanks

We didn't start the fire!
It was always burning since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire!
No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it

Shady soup, evil twins, chicken coop, fightin' Fin
Watermolen, Sunday stollin', tiny doors
Doyle's shack, log with wheels, Tim's cult, potato peel
Wing Chun, rock puns, demonic dinosaurs
Sherlock, electro swing, Fellowship of the Ring
Percy Jackson, Petey Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland
Snuggle, Sarah Steel, ninety percent evil
Mugged by rats, fancy hats, crokagators, sewers!

We didn't start the fire!
It was always burning since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire!
No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it

Tiki mask, naughty ducks, snowmen, random shmucks
A dwarf called Dwirl, cruises through the underworld
Tales o' woe, explosions, Tim's cult, demonic cupboards
Vampires in the fountains, got lost in the mountains

Tavern Crawler, fly swat, Mr Cluckles' mafia
Mailbox villains, Felix, Kane and Harry
Pi-day, glowing fists, The Evil Easter Bunny
I earned my pants but the Mad Badger is burning

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it

Cap'n Crazy, Shakespeare, DontJoBeard, Victormon
Catbeard, Cliffbeard, wizard home invasion
Lawrence of Australia, final battle ends in failure
Old Missy, Cars 3, war of the monkeys
Death stare, ghost towns, Cameron's school of monkey clowns
Billy take it away, I'm running out of things to say!

We didn't start the fire!
It was always burning since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire!
No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it

French movies, barrel races, Master and Commander
Omelets, parsley, prawns, and poetry
Crazy natives of Avery, living like Larry
Manliness complimented, cultures being insulted
Twilight, leprechauns, Australian desserts, Aragorn
Hairy vines, Valentines, shrines, puns, reading signs
Badgers for having swords, do we even get an award?
It's been over a year, but t'me you've never been more dear

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on ~
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning since the world's been turning

~~~

As I was goin' over the vast n' tall Blue Mountains
I saw Bounder Farrell and his money he was countin'
I first produced my axe and then I produced me hammer
I said, "Stand and deliver or this devil he may take ya!"

Mush~a~rigum durram~daa
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
There's whiskey in the jar!

I took all of his money and it was a pretty penny
I took all of his money and I made for the Bird and Baby
Blagrove at the bar, yea, he gave me beer by the plenty
But evil take that hobbit, for ye know he tricked me easy!

Mush~a~rigum durram~daa
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
There's whiskey in the jar!

I went up to my chamber, all for t' take a slumber
I dreamt of gold and jewels and for sure 't was no wonder
That Blagrove, he took me money and filled my flask with water
Then sent for Bounder Farrell to be ready for the slaughter

Mush~a~rigum durram~daa
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
There's whiskey in the jar!

'Twas was early in the morning, just before I rose to travel
Up comes a band of footmen and likewise Bounder Farrell
I first produced me pickaxe for they stole away me hammer
But hobbits are not of stone, so a prisoner I was taken

Mush~a~rigum durram~daa
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
There's whiskey in the jar!

Now some dwarves like a digging, hobbits like a fishin'
Some men like to hear, to hear the war drums roarin'
But me, I like sleeping, 'specially in my tavern chamber
But here I am in prison, here I'm with ball and chain, yea

Mush~a~rigum durram~daa
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!

Mush~a~rigum durram~daa
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
Whack~fol~mae daddy~o!
There's whiskey in the jar!

/bow

~~~

I'll tell me Ma, when I go home
The lads won't leave the pies alone
Gathered around outside of Combe
Hungry hobbits just won't go home
Pies so handsome~! Pies so pretty~!
She's the baker of Bree-town city!
The dough's a rollin' one, two, three!
Smells kind of funny? Oh dear me!

You!!

Merry Christmas you filthy animal.


You should really watch Home Alone.
You'll probably hate it. Everyone's kind of annoying in the beginning. The second movie's pretty good though.
I feel like your sister will love it and annoy you with quotes.


Oh and happy anniversary-of-meeting-THIS-lunatic.
Also, if ye wanna yell at me and I'm not on here for some reason, my Discord is #1956 (CaptainRora - don't ask) o;

I'm surrounded by people hugging each other as I write this.


ALSO. Please don't be dead. I freakin' love you, man. <33

AND IF YOU ARE I WILL LITERALLY FIND YER TOMBSTONE AND SCRAWL "WE'RE JUST HIDING IN THE FLOWERS" ALL OVER IT.


I hope ye get this within the month because I literally just found out that letters gets sent back to you within a month.

Ah well.

*Blasts Jingle Bells*

Eccentric Minstrel Explorer
Headpiece (Autumn)
Robe 1 (Farmer's) Robe 2 (Summer) 
Cloak 1 (Summer) Cloak 2 (Spring)
Boots (Farmer's)
Dyed Forest Green, Turquoise, or Crimson?


Elvish Attire
Inspiration

Robe (Spring) 
Cloak (Spring)
Headpiece (Spring)
Boots (Farmer's)
Dyed Turquoise?


Yuletide Festival
Headpiece (Autumn)
Robe? (Yuletide)
Gloves? (Yuletide) White
Boots (Yuletide)

Shoulders

/shortcut #1

---

ENJOY.

Don't forget that you have this when you inevitably delete your minstrel. *cough.*

By the way, you can just send this via mail to any of your other characters if you'd rather have it on yer man.

You should drink the shady beer when ye're outside Dol Ringwest by the way. It will totally help you.

-- Sincerely
Your marginally sincere friend

---

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR IT TOOK A WHILE TO GET IT

IT'S A SPECIAL FIDDLE.

LOSE IT AND YOU LOSE YOUR SOUL.

-- Love and kind reguards
Me.

Smell of Yum-n-ade in the breeze


Mama! I just slapped a dwarf
Put a fish against his head
Got the trout from the riverbed


All the spider eggs with their hairy lil legs
Better run, better run, run before they're done

Rhawrah's got a quick hand.
?

Our day began innocently enough, within the peaceful settlement of Duillond. I was buying water and spices from the local supplier, while Alenith travelled from Thrasi's Lodge to the elf-town. I made multiple batches of spiced ale and blueberry beer to celebrate the changing of seasons and also because Alenith requested said ale. She played delicately upon the lute while I brewed.

Upon noonday, she requested my tutorage and superior knowledge of dancing. As such, she passed her final test in Ered Luin - the age-old tradition of the elf dances. Together, we performed in perfect sync. Then, I had to bid her adieu and good luck, giving her rough directions to Waymeet in the Shire, whereupon we might meet again. It was a tearful goodbye, as she walked off into the distance (going the wrong direction), mournful notes on the harp. Alas, all young elves must go their own way some day! I returned to my art, and created many vaguely horse-shaped biscuits to pack for my own journey and sent her some in the mail along with a brew to await her in Hobbiton.

My own journey was uneventful if tiring, however Alenith met many oddly aggressive toads upon her way. We met once again just outside of Waymeet, on a chicken farm, then made for Waymeet whereupon we met a peculiarly rude hobbit! She insulted my minstrel skills to my very face -- "no good'll come of it!" She said. Rude hobbits aside, Waymeet was pleasant, nay, beautiful, as was the rest of the journey eastward to Hobbiton. We saw the town just over the crest of the hill, green and quaint. "It's so cosy!" Alenith had told me. We breakfasted with a gathering of hobbits before coming up The Hill for the festival. However, we arrived just barely too late for the next dancing competition, so instead I introduced Alenith to the Ivy Inn League. However hesitant, and after a few tries (some of which involved an abnormally large gathering of bears), I eventually got her all the way to The Golden Perch, staggering and dizzy. However, it was not to be. We had run late -- again! So onward we went, crossing the Brandywine Bridge into Buckland.

From there, we wandered into the Old Forest. At night. A bad idea, I only now realise. All that night and well into the morning we were lost. We came to a hill, where we met a lone hobbit, yet he did nothing to warn us of the giant living trees! We wandered further into the forest in search of the road, trudging through knee high water at places  until Alenith came across two giant magnificent oaks. But these oaks were not just trees, oh no! They were conniving, treacherous trees! Alenith slayed one with but two arrows (not sure how, perhaps she penetrated the heartwood?!) and went on to clear a path. Meanwhile, when one should happen to target me, the artist, she stands by laughing at the chaos! Humiliating.

Several wrong turns later led us back to the river. We considered turning back the way we came (not that we were absolutely sure just where that might've been), however we both agreed on following the river through the forest. Through the willows and murky water we wandered, until we came across a ... disturbing sight. Upon the bank stood a hobbit, at his feet laid the body of a dead man, and in the hobbit's hand he held a small sword. He looked somehow threatening and bloodthirsty (despite his height), so Alenith and I fled back into the river away from the killer-hobbit.

By now the mystical green glow of the forest at night had turned into a misty morning, one could now see the pale grey of the sky through the treetops. Still, fireflies lingered by the banks. Alenith and I saw a mighty tree up ahead -- it looked somehow .. familiar. As if it had a face, in fact. Upon reaching the tree, there was a dull ache in our muscles, a tiredness like a spell cast over us. A poison, draining our energy. Was it the tree?! Had it just ... moved? Alarmed, I screeched for us to dive back into the river. Dragging Alenith back, we once again continued along the river, still deep within the forest.

Finally, we came to a magnificent waterfall, and a small stone bridge over the river. Alenith investigated a road that led further into the forest, however I called her back upon finding a cliff-side trail that most likely would put us back on the road to Bree. We trekked not long before finding a nice house just outside of the woods. Thereupon we found a jolly man called Tom, whom Alenith greeted in our custom. We then washed off in his pond. Alenith remarked about the queer fellow's similarity to another swamp-dwelling fellow, when who should come skipping along and singing than Tom, leaving both of us flabbergasted - and shortly after - in tears from laughter. We investigated his house, like good adventurers, and found within it what was quite possibly a mermaid called Goldberry. It was a very pleasant house, swamp mermaids excluded.

We bid our lengthy farewells to Tom, and continued onwards. We came to a small encampment, met a hobbit called Bob who had lost his daughter to the wonder of fairytales -- "the lost prince" I believe. We told the fellow that we would search for the girl, however did not expect much would come from it. Northwards we went, and we came into a new place of white cliffs and green grass. Unlike anything I've seen -- unearthly, queer. We did not get very far until we heard the wailing and distorted cries of the hobbit-child. She told us she had lost her cloak, and of course we had to help her find it! She led us all over the place, and of course we were attacked constantly by foul creatures. She found her cloak, of course, but was met with the so-called "lost prince" (or was it "last prince"?), who was promptly defeated by myself and my companion. The hobbit, however, perhaps thankful for our protection, led us back to the road to Bree, where after a long, eventful journey, we finally made it. Waiting there was a band, nay, a huge party or celebration of some kind just outside the very pub we needed to enter.

After some dancing, we met up with Alenith's sister, Saalira, but only briefly for she was making for the Lonelands. Then, we finally met the one called Strider. We were assigned a stealth mission, if it could really be called that. Within moments we were screaming and ranting and raving.

There was something odd about that place. I'm not sure what it was, the blood soaked stones, the crying mercenaries or the fact that I was playing the horn upon the sacrificial ritual.

After a strange series of events involving mighty brave hobbits storming caves, Tom's face and my overthrowing of the throne, the fellowship was finally getting back together. Alenith travelled northward to her sister, and in the process finally got to own her very own horse! However, the trail was lost on her way to Saarlina, so instead she returned back to me, where I was in Bree storing goods in a vault. Now, it was time to go back to Buckland, but this time on the backs of horses. We took the main road back west to where we would meet a ranger hiding in the nearby wilderness, however Alenith once more had to part from the fellowship, word of a mighty wolf lurking in the Old Forest called her back while I kept guard for the Enemy and acquired a new steed. She returned back to Buckland while I was still travelling, but we met once again in the safety of the hobbit town. But only in time for us to bid each other farewell once more, for the night had grown long and we would need rest after such a long adventure.

-- Myrandah of Mirkwood

Oh, the year was 2748,
!~ How I wish I was in Tookland now ~!
A letter of marque came from the king,
To the scummiest vessel I'd ever seen,

God damn them all!
Gosh darn it all!
I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold
I was told we'd free the Shire of nasty goblin hordes
We'd fire no guns-shed no tears
We'd shed no blood, miss no meals
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
Now I'm a hobbit lost in the Bindbole Woods
The last of Barrett's Privateers.
The last of Bandobras' Tooks

Oh, Bandobras Took cried the town!
!~ How I wish I was in Tookland now ~!
Twenty brave hobbits all sherpards who
Would drive those goblins out for good!

God damn them all!
Gosh darn it all!
I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold
I was told we'd free the Shire of nasty goblin hordes
We'd fire no guns-shed no tears
We'd shed no blood, miss no meals
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
Now I'm a hobbit lost in the Bindbole Woods
The last of Barrett's Privateers.
The last of Bandobras' Tooks

The Antelope sloop was a sickening sight,
Our pitchforks ready and ranks of torches lit
!~ How I wish I was in Tookland now ~!
She'd a list to the port and her sails in rags
I remember skies dark and the fields of green
And the cook in scuppers with the staggers and the jags
Gathered out there I bet our party was quite a scene!

God damn them all!
Gosh darn it all!
I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold
I was told we'd free the Shire of nasty goblin hordes
We'd fire no guns-shed no tears
We'd shed no blood, miss no meals
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
Now I'm a hobbit lost in the Bindbole Woods
The last of Barrett's Privateers.
The last of Bandobras' Tooks

On the King's birthday we put to sea,
!~ How I wish I was in Tookland now ~!
We were 91 days to Montego Bay
Pumping like madmen all the way

God damn them all!
Gosh darn it all!
I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold
I was told we'd free the Shire of nasty goblin hordes
We'd fire no guns-shed no tears
We'd shed no blood, miss no meals
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
Now I'm a hobbit lost in the Bindbole Woods
The last of Barrett's Privateers.
The last of Bandobras' Tooks

On the 96th day we sailed again,
!~ How I wish I was in Tookland now ~!
When a bloody great Yankee hove in sight
With our cracked four pounders we made to fight

God damn them all!
Gosh darn it all!
I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold
I was told we'd free the Shire of nasty goblin hordes
We'd fire no guns-shed no tears
We'd shed no blood, miss no meals
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
Now I'm a hobbit lost in the Bindbole Woods
The last of Barrett's Privateers.
The last of Bandobras' Tooks

The Yankee lay low down with gold,
!~ How I wish I was in Tookland now ~!
She was broad and fat and loose in the stays
But to catch her took the Antelope two whole days

God damn them all!
Gosh darn it all!
I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold
I was told we'd free the Shire of nasty goblin hordes
We'd fire no guns-shed no tears
We'd shed no blood, miss no meals
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
Now I'm a hobbit lost in the Bindbole Woods
The last of Barrett's Privateers.
The last of Bandobras' Tooks

Then at length we stood two cables away,
Bandobras swung his arm with practised aim
!~ How I wish I was in Tookland now ~!
Our cracked four pounders made an awful din
Then Golfimbul's ugly head flew clean off
But with one fat ball the Yank stove us in
And that's how Bullroarer invented golf!

God damn them all!
Gosh darn it all!
I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold
I was told we'd free the Shire of nasty goblin hordes
We'd fire no guns-shed no tears
We'd shed no blood, miss no meals
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
Now I'm a hobbit lost in the Bindbole Woods
The last of Barrett's Privateers.
The last of Bandobras' Tooks

The Antelope shook and pitched on her side,
!~ How I wish I was in Tookland now ~!
Barrett was smashed like a bowl of eggs
And the Maintruck carried off both me legs

God damn them all!
Gosh darn it all!
I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold
I was told we'd free the Shire of nasty goblin hordes
We'd fire no guns-shed no tears
We'd shed no blood, miss no meals
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
Now I'm a hobbit lost in the Bindbole Woods
The last of Barrett's Privateers.
The last of Bandobras' Tooks

So here I lay in my 23rd year,
So here I lay in my 53rd year,
!~ How I wish I was in Tookland now ~!
It's been 6 years since we sailed away
It's been many years since we marched away
And I just made Halifax yesterday
And I had just made Tookland yesterday!

God damn them all!
Gosh darn it all!
I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold
I was told we'd free the Shire of nasty goblin hordes
We'd fire no guns-shed no tears
We'd shed no blood, miss no meals
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
Now I'm a hobbit lost in the Bindbole Woods
The last of Barrett's Privateers.
The last of Bandobras' Tooks

Farewell and adieu to you Dwarven Ladies
Farewell and adieu to your Valleys of Thráin;
For we've received cargo bound off to Dol Amroth
And we may never see you fair ladies again!

We'll rant and we'll roar like true Dwarven sailors!
We'll rant and we'll roar all on the Great Sea!
Until we strike soundings in the waters of the old Lune
Gondor to Kheledûl is fourty-five leagues!

We hove our ship to with the wind from sou'west, boys
We hove our ship to, for to make soundings clear
'Twas forty-five fathoms, with a white sandy bottom
So we squared our main yard and up channel did steer!

We'll rant and we'll roar like true Dwarven sailors!
We'll rant and we'll roar all on the Great Sea!
Until we strike soundings in the waters of the Lune
Gondor to Kheledûl is fourty-five leagues!

So the first land we made, it is called the Deadman
Next Ram Head, off Plymouth, Start, Portland, and Wight
We sailed by Beachy / by Fairlight and Dover
And then bore away for the South Foreland light

We'll rant and we'll roar like true Dwarven sailors!
We'll rant and we'll roar all on the Great Sea!
Until we strike soundings in the waters of the Lune
Gondor to Kheledûl is fourty-five leagues!

Now the signal it was made for the grand fleet to anchor
All in the Downs that night for to lie
Then stand by your stoppers See clear your shank painters,
Haul up your clewgarnets, let tack and sheets fly!

We'll rant and we'll roar like true Dwarven sailors!
We'll rant and we'll roar all on the Great Sea!
Until we strike soundings in the waters of the Lune
Gondor to Kheledûl is fourty-five leagues!

Now let ev'ry man drink up his full bumper
And let ev'ry man drink off his full glass
We'll drink and be jolly and drown melancholy,
And here's to the health of each true-hearted lass!

We'll rant and we'll roar like true Dwarven sailors!
We'll rant and we'll roar all on the Great Sea!
Until we strike soundings in the waters of the Lune
Gondor to Kheledûl is fourty-five leagues

Costumes/Characters:
Ringleader: Extravagant Festival Hat (default), Plain Cloak (black), Yule Scarf (black), Extravagant Festival Robe (default), Extravagant Festival Gloves (default), no shoes
Orcs: Goblin Festival Mask, Plain Cloak (sienna), dwarf-make medium/heavy shoulders, Leather Hauberk (olive), gloves (olive), ??? shoes
Elven Singer: Silken Robe Of Golden Splendor (white), no shoes
Elven Sisters: Woodland Crown, Fur Mantle, Lasgalen Spring Dress (black), no shoes/gloves
Hobbit Twins: Circlet of Fresh-Picked Flowers (shire plum), Tunic and Trousers of New Bloom (shire plum)
Dwarven Strongman: Barechested, Shabby Leggins (black), Fingerless Gloves (black)
Magician: Extravagant Festival Hat (default), Plain Cloak (black), Fine Shirt and Trousers (white)
Beastmaster: that bear-hat, the fur shoulders, and leather-y stuff
The Riders: idk.
The Gladiators: Elegant heavy armour

Location:
Waymeet, The Shire OR Hobnanigans Field One, Eastern Bree-fields

Rough Script:
Circus Suite - ("The show will start soon, please find your seats!")
Merry-Go-Down
Prince Ali - Entrance
Chim Chim Cheree - ("Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, young and old..." by the Ringleader, a hobbit in a purple tophat)
Rasputin - ("Sauerkraut" by The Marvellous Myrandar, with renactment by hobbits + man, ending in fire)
Arrival To Earth - ("And now, we present to you ... THE WENSLEYDALE TWINS!" (Two hobbits on horses riding through fireworks, who dance and then "spar" in the middle of it all, before a train of colourful riders + horses come out to circle them, ending with the hobbits defeated/on the ground)
Feed The Birds - ("Hold your loved ones, keep them close. I recommend the faint-hearted leave now, but the rest of you ... Fear not! Relax, it's all part of the show! Now ... Ladies and gentlemen ... The Magnificent --!!" (a singing Elf who enchants a couple of "orcs" and makes them fall in love with her before they slay each other in a play in between lyrics, and then it's revealed that her love returns to her in the end, an Elf who was thought to have died in the war)
Blood And Wine ("Wipe away your tears my friends, for it is time for the beautiful, the graceful -- The Eldritch Sisters!" (Two Elves dressed beautifully who dance, then it turns into war against the two "orcs" from before and them, but they all end up dying or something.)
La Vie En Rose - ("Thank you, everyone. An intermission will now commence. Please use this time to visit the concession vendors near the wagons. The privy is just behind that tree over there, and once again, I would like to remind the audience that the throwing of rotten fruit or ... other such things, is strictly* forbidden. Thank you."
The Can Can - ("Please find your seats, the show will begin in just a moment.")
Drunken Sailor - ("LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Stronen Ironbeard, the strongest dwarf alive!" (A bare chested dwarf parades around, doing handstands and flexing while the circus sings his praises and, eventually, makes fun of him and throws rotten fruit at him)
Hungarian Dance No.5 ("... Thank you, Stronen. Now, ladies and gentlemen. I present to you something you've never seen before... Hang onto your hats -- MERRIMAUK THE MIME!")
I'll Make A Man Out Of You (Drums) - ("Oho! You've seen NOTHING yet! May I present to you ... THE GURVICH RIDERS!" (Four men on horses who ride in circles, perform mount emotes, ride sideways, vault over one another to the drums before riding out)
Enter Sandman  ("Oh my! Hold onto your seats and prepare the thrill of a lifetime -- The GLADIATORS!" (Just two guardians/champions in magnificent armour who fight each other for three rounds)
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor ("Prepare to be amazed! The Magnificent -- and his performance - the Disappearing Hobbit, and the Haunted Fiddle!" (A magician take centre stage and asks a hobbit from the crowd (who isn't an actual audience member) to come forth. He asks them to take a fiddle, which they then take, then he throws flower petals at them and the hobbit goes invisible, only to start playing the fiddle. He feigns horror, and asks the circus to fix this disaster, but for naught. He tells the tale of the fiddle, the crimes of it's original owner and how they had died and warn the audience members to be wary. He begin to despair, to ask the silent fiddle-player for forgiveness, for the audience's forgiveness, and only then the hobbit drops their fiddle, turns to the magician, becomes visible, and says with a very stupid one-liner.)
A Pirate I Was Meant T'Be ("Don't go yet! We've got one more act -- stick around for the wonderful, the amazing, BARGHO, THE BEAR TAMER!" (A loremaster takes the stage, bows toward the crowd, then calls their bear from behind them. They then command their bear to sit through emotes, which it obviously does not. Then they ask it to roar, which it does not. Then, the bear starts chasing them around the arena. The whole while, a Beorning (who is pretending to be a security guard), transforms and joins in the chase, along with their cosmetic pet. Then, the mime from before appears and also joins in, and it's nothing but chaos. They end up running off into the distance, setting off fireworks in their stead and leaving the band play on their own for the last few seconds.)
Shut Up And Dance ("Thank you for watching, folks. It's been a wonderful night, and we hope to see you again someday, but for now, farewell!" (The grand finale, where the twin hobbits return in a flurry of fireworks, all the riders /following them around, the elves are /hobbit_dancing, the chase scene runs across the field, the Gladiators hug each other, Stronen strolls by and poses for the crowd, the Gladiators /crazy at him, the hobbits get off their horses and everyone bows and the Ringleader throws a bag of petals in the air. Then everyone /faints.)

"Thank you for coming, and don't visit our resident fortuneteller, The All Seeing Sarrawan! You can find her by the green wagon. Don't forget to collect your hats."

Bargho The Beastmaster:

DIRECTIONS: Plunge yer desired garments in a bucket of boiling hot water, adding the correct measurements of dye to water ratio for desired results. Avoid touching the boiling water or wearing clothing during this stage if you don't want to stain yer best pair of pants and look like you stole them off of Legolas's clothesline.

Leave to soak until ye've awoken from yer beer-coma and set out to dry until you've finally stopped crying. Repeat until you get the results you desire.

Don't mind the stench. You'll get used to it.


Keep out of reach of dwarves. Do not expose to open flame. If injested or in eyes seek your nearest Minstrel immediately.
Safety gloves not included. Onion Peel Inc. is not liable for any injuries this product may cause. Please do not send us mail about your permanently green hands. It's not our fault you ignored our directions, you loaf of bread.

We were victims of the Wights
No match for tactical and physical might!
Deep in the tombs without a trace of light
We were bound to the equipment
Bound to the equipment

So many arms
Between us and the bosses
She draw her sword and she yelled

"Oh, don't you dare look back,"
"Just focus on the leaf,"
So I said "Play that frak,"
She said oh, oh
"Shut up and kill the thing!"

So I looted the chest
And she just glared at me
"Could we just take a rest?"
She said, oh, oh "Shut up and quest with me!"

Your order has arrived! Thank you for using Mining Queen Aesthetics.

Made of the finest Bree-land metals and crafted by Dwarves from locally sourced materials (very locally. Like, a dwarf made them by sitting on them for a long, long time). We're proud to present to you this fine array of jewellery, perfect for going out dancing at Rivendell, or for plunging deep into some long forgotten dungeon full of dismembered limbs.

Feel free to check out our latest stock of beard and man-bun accessories, perfect for that special dwarf in your life!


Mining Queen: The quality you deserve.

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
Let me tell you how I came to fear the monsters called Drop Bears

The Airport of Smellbourn I had dropped in
Some blokes greetin' me with deadly custard with fins
Chillin' with the fridge, yo yo big n' white
This verse has nothing to do with my tale, sit tight

Yo, I'm fresh from the States
Livin' without a care
... When a bloke told about a thing called 'Drop Bear'
Said, "Not a koala, no, you should be scared!"
"Mate, the tree might kill ye, but you needa watchout for the Drop Bear!"

How did the koala fall out of the tree?
It got hit by the fridge. Yes, that's the joke. WHOOPEE!
Anyways, I didn't give the bloke's advice much credit
Actually, it's a wonder that I never karked it

First class, service is bad
I'm chugging warm beer out of a champagne glass
So hot, my pants are stuck to the seat of my rear
UGHHHH. How do they survive out here?

But wait, that's when the tourist bus slows to a halt
They tell you to get out, it's time for a long bush walk
I don't think so!
Out in the stifling air?!
Besides, for all you know there might be Drop Bears

So we're herded out like a bunch of cats
We lay thick on the sunscreen and put on our sunglasses and hats
I ain't trying to get sunburnt
I flake bad, yo
Armed with SPF I follow the man with the sweet mo'

Right when I was thinking of waffles and Shrek
I found this tree all big and white and creaking like heck
With a crack of the wood, a Drop Bear was deployed
And he was pretty nice, I think his name was Lloyd

So now, it's something like nine or ten years later
Scarce few things have changed, I am still a bloody waiter
But now every night still
I will have that nightmare
Of the one time I met the dreaded Drop Bear

% Lead
Party Tree, romantic setting
But the lassie don't know the message that's been sendin'
Three gold and like a dozen beers in the mail
I've heard charmers like that land in Bree-Town jail

Honey, know I don't believe you
When you say that he was cool but I beg to argue
He's way over my level, sure
And then again I believe so was your past amour

He's gotta be in Breeland, or the Blue Mountains, or the Shire
Or
Or this place!

% Chorus
One night in Bree-Town, are you ready to rumble?
Hey, Megram's seekin' a fight in the streets
Yeah, and soon to the ground Voitel will tumble
And if not there'll be honour in defeat
I can hear a Minstrel singin' back to me

% Lead
Men are very like another
They're just as filthy as the horses yonder

% Backup
It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
Dale-Men, Rohirrim,
To be looking at the board not looking at the city

The American
Whattaya mean?!
You've seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town

Company
T-girls1, warm and sweet (sweet)
Some are set up
In the Somerset Maugham suite

The American
Get Thai'd, you're talking to a tourist
Whose every move's among the purest:
"I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine"

Company
One night in Bangkok makes the hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

The American
Siam's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of cerebral fitness
This grips me more than would a muddy old river
Or reclining Buddha

But thank God I'm only watching the game
Controlling it

I don't see you guys rating
The kind of mate I'm contemplating
I'd let you watch, I would invite you
But the queens we use would not excite you

So, you better go back to your bars
Your temples, your massage parlors

Company
One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but their pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
A little flesh, a little history
I can feel an angel slidin' up to me

One night in Bangkok makes the hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

1st Broadstreet, Bree-town Homesteads
Wildore (!!) | Rookshaw

1st Twinfall Path, Falathorn Homesteads
Imrath Rain

4th & 6th Waterbank Road, Falathorn Homesteads ???

Congratulations!! You are our one thousandth customer!!!

You have won FIVE FREE ARTIFACTS!!! Quality and authenticy guarenteed, skillfully made by dwarves of the Blue Mountains.

Still not convinced?

Send three payments of five gold ingots today to recieve THREE LYNX CUBS!! Just send us your postal address.

What are you waiting for?!!


** No refunds
*** Product of Ered Luin
**** No animals were harmed in the making of this product
***** Mining Queen Co. holds no liablities to the efficency of your lynx cub.
******** Mining Queen Co. is not liable for the death of 3 spiders, 1 neekerbeeker, 4 goblins and the disappearance of 4 craban.